I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
