Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
