if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
