So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
