i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
