Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
if i can run in heels then i can drive
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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