I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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