: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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