Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
