The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
