the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
