my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
