shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
