do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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