Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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