It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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