Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
