My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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