You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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