The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
