new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
