Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
