im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
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i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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