Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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