textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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