There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
