when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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