I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
