Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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