Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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