I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
