I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
