it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
