I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
