So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
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let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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