he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
