Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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