its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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