Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
