i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
