Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
