I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
