chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have peed in a lot of sinks
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
