I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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