Life is so much better after having sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
