Your dad touched me again.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
