So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
