If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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