don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
