The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
