there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
