Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
